The Lesson in The Pain

I was in K-5, sitting hunched up under the great big pine tree on the recess field reading my science book. It was an ache and burning feeling. That aching and burning have become a constant companion over the past thirty five years.

Many people don’t know this about me: I live in constant pain. Several people in my family either deal or dealt with lifelong pain due to inflammation of the joints and spine. I remember the first time my spine hurt for no reason. I was in K-5, sitting hunched up under the great big pine tree on the recess field reading my science book. It was an ache and burning feeling. That aching and burning have become a constant companion over the past thirty five years.

Sitting and laying are unbearable lately. People often remark that I am in constant motion. Well, yeah. I hear often that I need to rest, to not be so active. Nope. Not with my inherited condition. Doctors constantly push pills at me. I don’t like narcotics and regular NSAID’s do nothing. Besides, I’m kind of attached to my liver. I rely mostly on diet, activity, and shear will power.

Over the past three decades I’ve become an expert at living with chronic pain while continuing to live. And yes, there have been times I’ve beg Gd to kill me. I get sharper tonged, grouchy, and the fact that I’m a bit ornery to begin with can make me unpleasant company at times. I retreat and people think I’m sullen or broody. In reality, I’m trying not to cry publicly, or scream, or simply pass out.

So, how do I deal with it? And if you have a loved one, what can you do other than stand helplessly by or hover? Glad you asked.

How I Deal

I learned along time ago to accept what I cannot change. I cannot change my body. I cannot change how I was born. I cannot rail, or yell, or punch or kick it away. It is simply a part of my physical self. I had to accept that my body is painful, just like my body is graceful in dance. I love my body wholly, and I’ve come to have compassion for her. I care for her, give her nourishing foods and herbs, attend to her needs, and allow her the movement she craves while setting boundaries for rest. I do not try to change her. She simply exists, and I love her simply because she is my dwelling on this portion of my eternal journey.

I courageously change what I have the power to change. Sitting in an office all day was the worst occupation for me. I had to power to change that portion of my life. It was terrifying. I did it. Somehow accepting my circumstances has freed my inner hutzpah to take challenges, to push my limits, and to explore this beautiful world emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically. But more importantly, I’ve learned to change my attitude.

Learning to know the wisdom between what I must accept and what I have the courage to change has been the difficult part. It is an ongoing process called life’s education. I tried for the longest time to change my body, to control my life’s circumstances. It left me haunted and fearful. There are times I see a counselor to assist and asses what I wish to change. There are times I meditate and simply listen to the Inner Light. Wisdom to know when to accept and when to act is the balance. It is the subtly between bitterness and a full life.

But my loved one is suffering – How do I help?

Simply ask. Allow them to do what they can do when they can do for themselves. Stephen Hawkings was considered an invalid by his life’s end. Yet, he contributed to our understanding of the universe. Not every person has that chance. Allow your loved one to explore this world. Pray. Care for your own needs. Don’t be a martyr for anyone. And for Gd’s sake, don’t hold us up as more than human or make excuses for poor behavior. That’s a disservice to everyone.

Understand that there are good days when the pain is less. Understand that there is often a mask, and even when we say the world is perfect, we are still in pain. Allow us the space to drop the mask. Don’t ever pity us, because we are not our illness. We simply exist at this time in this state, just as you do. Accept us just as we are, just as every person needs to be accepted.

 

If you are struggling I hope you may find your Serenity, too.

Until next time,

Craft No Harm,

Moriah

 

Monday’s Musings: Theme Songs

But as I’m getting older I’m realizing more and more that as a man thinks, so goes his (or hers) life. I’m ready for a new theme song.

I was a big fan of the T.V. show M.A.S.H. growing up. I still find myself humming the tune often. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I found out the words: Suicide is painless/ It brings on many changes/ And I can take it or leave it if I please.¬†Well now, isn’t that pleasant? But the song as a whole fits the theme of the movie and show.

In my late twenties I kind of took on a personal theme song that matched my life. It was Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping. For those that don’t know the words: I get knocked down, but I get up again/ You’re never gonna keep me down. It’s a catchy song. It has fit my life well over the past decade. Life has knocked me down again and again. I get knocked down in many ways, and I get right back up. I’m a fighter. It’s my nature. Somewhere my inner Buffy, with that itchy mortal wound, always manages to choose strength, to always get up and win the day no matter the cost. And there have been costs.

But as I’m getting older I’m realizing more and more that as a man thinks, so goes his (or hers) life. I’m ready for a new theme song. One with peace, prosperity, kindness and contentment. I haven’t found a song like that yet. So maybe it’s time to write my own theme song. After all, one of the major up points to life is finding your authentic voice and song. What will be your theme song? And whose voice will you use to sing it?

Until next time,

Craft no harm,

Moriah and the Flock

Monday’s Musings : I Can’t Do EVERYTHING

I was raised in a time of shifting ideology in this country. Traditional gender roles and second wave Feminism clashed in the media and stereotypes clashed around me as the child of a single mother in a male dominated industry. A male teacher told my mother he was shocked at how “well adjusted” I am considering I was from a “broken home”. Mom’s reply “children are only broken if you tell them they are broken”. Feel free to use that line.

I was fortunate enough to have my Papa. As a ninth generation Florida Cracker Native he believed a woman can do anything, but that doesn’t mean women should do everything. My grandmother and mom worked the fields alongside him. My grandmother was a better shot overall. We came from an older society where men and women had to be equals to survive. Women had to know how to shoe a horse and brand calves, and men had to know how to make dinner and clean house. There was never a doubt in my mind I could do or be in any occupation. My gender has nothing to do with my ability for accomplishments.

So, I went to South America. I rode horses, earned degrees, called out a few Vice Presidents at major companies, and was even a professional ballroom dancer for a while. I hike, train oxen, tramp through the woods on my own, work on my vehicles, shear, shoot, and I’ve even been known to wrangle a few orphaned calves. I can do anything.

And this, ladies, is the part some of you will dislike. Just because I can do it, doesn’t mean I should. In addition to my accomplishments I have broken my ribs numerous times, broken four vertebrae and fractured a hip. I have bone spurs, arthritis, tendon damage. I have a permanent brain injury from one too many concussions. My left shoulder has dislocated three times and my right ankle twice. I’m missing bones in that foot, too. Everyday is pain. Sitting is painful. Walking is painful. Breathing is painful. Laying down is painful. Attitudes have consequences, especially for adventurous girls.

Am I equal in value to a man? OF COURSE! But as I’ve aged I’ve realized just because I can do anything doesn’t mean I should do everything. I simply lack the physicality to do things that men can do, and I’m a pretty robust gal. As Paul pointed out in the Christian Bible “all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial”.

At some point, overdoing physically becomes self harm. The “I can do anything” idea is dangerous without the tempering “but that doesn’t mean I should”. That holds true for everyone regardless of gender, because even in caring for ourselves physically we are all equal.

Until next time,

Craft no harm,

Moriah and the flock

Monday’s Musings: Should

Everytime the word should slides out of our mouths we undermind our own personal authority in our lives and give that athourity to insecurity.

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Photo by Pixabay

I should have eaten more veggies today and stuck to my weight watcher’s points better.

I should be a mother and a wife.

I should wipe my shoes off every time I wear them.

I should…

I should…

Stop judging myself?

It’s so easy to should ourselves, judge ourselves out of the joy life holds. We are not called to judge ourselves. We are called to accept and allow ourselves to become who we will become. Everytime the word should slides out of our mouths we undermind our own personal authority in our lives and give that athourity to insecurity.

Friends, “should” is a damning word. The Christian scriptures say that by the measure you judge, or “should”, by that measure will you be judged. You are your own judge in so many areas of life. You are also your own jury and the executioner of your innate potential.

I challenge you to a small, yet life changing, challenge. Drop the word “should” from your vocabulary with yourself and with others, especially your family and lover. Just experiment with it, and see what happens in your heart and mind.

Until next time,

Craft no harm,

Moriah

 

Monday’s Musings: The Ethics of the Ripple Effect

A small action can cause chaos over time without the intention of anything malicious.

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One of my favorite summertime activities is to sit down at the creek in the evenings and skip stones across the water. Sometimes when I can’t find a good skipping stone I’ll just toss in pebbles. What can I say? I’m easily amused. Oh who am I kidding? I’m a philosopher by nature and I do some pretty good thinking about life and the nature of the universe down by the creek.

Every time I toss a stone in the water ripples. The creek is changed in a minute way. Over time those minute changes can have a dramatic impact on the creek bank and the flow of the water. I can make a hole on the bank, make the creek wider, make the creek more shallow in a spot, encourage erosion along the bank, and even bring down a mighty tall tree that will lead to flooding in my pasture. A small action can cause chaos over time without the intention of anything malicious.

That’s the way every action and inaction we take in life operates. Every sip of liquid, every bite of food, every needless trip into town in our petrol powered automobiles as entertainment, every unkind word, every polymer encapsulated item, every touch, every missed moment for appreciating your spouse, every tiny selfish act over time leads to chaos.

Intention is not enough. True, if you start with good intentions then the possibility of a good future increases. But thinking through the ramifications of those actions from a moral and ethical perspective is ultimately what improves or decimates a family, a county, a state, a country, a nation, or our planet.

You have two powerful allies in creating a good future for yourself and others: rational thought and good intention. Use them with a kind heart and the world just might become a better place.

Until next time,

Craft no Harm,

Moriah

 

 

Monday’s Musings: When My Ship Comes In

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I’ve heard the phrase “when my ship comes in” my whole life. In fact, I’ve used that phrase more than one when talking about my future. It basically means to hit the big score, to cash in all your chips, a life changing event filled with nothing but good things.

So often we wait for our ships to come in. However, we don’t often think about where that phrase comes from. In the old days merchant investors sent out ships to trade in far flung places. It was risky business. However, when the ship came in there was wealth to be made. Sometimes an investor might wait years for his ship to come in.

And that brings me to today’s thought. Unless you send a ship out, you’ll never have a ship come in. Actions beget consequences both good and bad. You are the master of your risks. If you want your ship to come in, invest, wait, and watch.

Until next time,

Craft No Harm,

Moriah

Monday’s Musings: The Cult of Positivity

Wait, are emotions negative or positive? Doesn’t that denote a “right” and a “wrong” with emotions?

hand.jpgBeing positive is good. We need to look on the brighter side in a gloomy situation. It’s something that can be a valuable survival skill in stressful times. However, I’ve noticed something dark and sinister lurking in the cult of positivity. It looks like an angel, like hope, like a way out of negative emotions.

Wait, are emotions negative or positive? Doesn’t that denote a “right” and a “wrong” with emotions? Hum…. No. The answer is no. The great poet Gibran said,

“your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self same well from which your laughter rises was often time filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy it can contain.”

There are no right or wrong emotions. So often when we have a difficult or unpleasant emotion arise we fight it. We send it away. We tell ourselves certain feelings are invalid. That’s invalidating your core self, you soul, your emotional well being, and ultimately the human experience.

The challenge in today’s society is to sit with our negative emotions, to recognize them, and to accept those feelings without being consumed by those feelings or passing judgment. If you are feeling grief, then feel your grief so that when you remerge into life the joy of living fills your cup fuller. When you are feeling anger, accept that part of you that feels violated and indignant so that when peace comes you recognize her sweetness. When you are worried or concerned explore the reasons and rationality so that you may prepare in balance for the future.

When we allow our emotions to simply be we experience the breathe and depth of living. I can’t think of anything more fulfilling or “positive” than that.

Until next time,

Craft no harm

Moriah