The Lesson in The Pain

I was in K-5, sitting hunched up under the great big pine tree on the recess field reading my science book. It was an ache and burning feeling. That aching and burning have become a constant companion over the past thirty five years.

Many people don’t know this about me: I live in constant pain. Several people in my family either deal or dealt with lifelong pain due to inflammation of the joints and spine. I remember the first time my spine hurt for no reason. I was in K-5, sitting hunched up under the great big pine tree on the recess field reading my science book. It was an ache and burning feeling. That aching and burning have become a constant companion over the past thirty five years.

Sitting and laying are unbearable lately. People often remark that I am in constant motion. Well, yeah. I hear often that I need to rest, to not be so active. Nope. Not with my inherited condition. Doctors constantly push pills at me. I don’t like narcotics and regular NSAID’s do nothing. Besides, I’m kind of attached to my liver. I rely mostly on diet, activity, and shear will power.

Over the past three decades I’ve become an expert at living with chronic pain while continuing to live. And yes, there have been times I’ve beg Gd to kill me. I get sharper tonged, grouchy, and the fact that I’m a bit ornery to begin with can make me unpleasant company at times. I retreat and people think I’m sullen or broody. In reality, I’m trying not to cry publicly, or scream, or simply pass out.

So, how do I deal with it? And if you have a loved one, what can you do other than stand helplessly by or hover? Glad you asked.

How I Deal

I learned along time ago to accept what I cannot change. I cannot change my body. I cannot change how I was born. I cannot rail, or yell, or punch or kick it away. It is simply a part of my physical self. I had to accept that my body is painful, just like my body is graceful in dance. I love my body wholly, and I’ve come to have compassion for her. I care for her, give her nourishing foods and herbs, attend to her needs, and allow her the movement she craves while setting boundaries for rest. I do not try to change her. She simply exists, and I love her simply because she is my dwelling on this portion of my eternal journey.

I courageously change what I have the power to change. Sitting in an office all day was the worst occupation for me. I had to power to change that portion of my life. It was terrifying. I did it. Somehow accepting my circumstances has freed my inner hutzpah to take challenges, to push my limits, and to explore this beautiful world emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically. But more importantly, I’ve learned to change my attitude.

Learning to know the wisdom between what I must accept and what I have the courage to change has been the difficult part. It is an ongoing process called life’s education. I tried for the longest time to change my body, to control my life’s circumstances. It left me haunted and fearful. There are times I see a counselor to assist and asses what I wish to change. There are times I meditate and simply listen to the Inner Light. Wisdom to know when to accept and when to act is the balance. It is the subtly between bitterness and a full life.

But my loved one is suffering – How do I help?

Simply ask. Allow them to do what they can do when they can do for themselves. Stephen Hawkings was considered an invalid by his life’s end. Yet, he contributed to our understanding of the universe. Not every person has that chance. Allow your loved one to explore this world. Pray. Care for your own needs. Don’t be a martyr for anyone. And for Gd’s sake, don’t hold us up as more than human or make excuses for poor behavior. That’s a disservice to everyone.

Understand that there are good days when the pain is less. Understand that there is often a mask, and even when we say the world is perfect, we are still in pain. Allow us the space to drop the mask. Don’t ever pity us, because we are not our illness. We simply exist at this time in this state, just as you do. Accept us just as we are, just as every person needs to be accepted.

 

If you are struggling I hope you may find your Serenity, too.

Until next time,

Craft No Harm,

Moriah

 

Monday’s Musings: And the Hits Just Keep on Coming

As most folks State side know, the weather this year has been grueling. Our typical harvest schedule begins in March and April with peas, kale, radishes, and lettuce. Lettuce and vegetables in general are the staple in our diet here at Serenity. But not this spring. Most years we’re planning for a hay harvest the first week of May, figuring out what to do with the old hay, and have all the animals out on pasture. Not this year. This year is the year of cutting bamboo leaves for our animals, driving near and far weekly to find scarce hay, and praying for warm weather. Game is still scarce. We are awakened many nights by coyotes and coy dogs on the porches or even trying to get into the barns with the geese and sheep. We are running on empty many days balancing a weak spring planting with repairs to the houses and barns, long trips for food for all of us, major cash outlays for hay and truck repairs, shearing, gathering herbs, jobs, etc. It’s only April and I’m feeling weary on the edges by the time Saturday’s rest rolls around. That’s usually an August feeling.

This week I checked out our pear tree. We’ll have no pears this year. Our pears are the old variety that Elizabeth of England loved. This is the second year of no pears and ancient trees nearing the end of their lives. I saw the dead fruit buds and felt like crying. But I didn’t.

Instead I took a deep breath and let it go. I chose instead to concentrate on the good goings on. The wool business is growing. Some of my fleeces are already completely sold out. The workshops, while lots of work, are coming up soon. That means a little money, but more importantly educated shepherds and another step towards my life goal of greater animal welfare on small farms and homesteads. Momma and I are launching an herbal tea and remedy business this year. We already have people wanting to place orders. The rains and warmer weather are finally here. The grass is growing. The hardwoods are budding. We found a plum tree and a friend told us were pawpaws grow in our woods. Last year’s black berry canes are putting out leaves. A sacred Elder tree has decided to grace my garden with her presence and strong medicine. Much needed hay came to us. It’s enough to last until a June hay harvest.

Did I choose to look at the positive instead of the negative? Yes. But that’s just the surface. When I saw those dead fruit buds two Proverbs popped into my head. “Sufficient unto the day is the evil there of” and “worry does not empty today of its sorrow, it empties today of its strengths”. That second one was said by my personal role model Corrie ten Boon. I chose to trust in the goodness and wellbeing of life. I chose to trust in the strength of today.

The worry of just today is enough to deal with without thinking about tomorrow and the hits that will come. The hits will keep on coming. The strength of today will keep coming as well.

Until next time,

Be strong and of good courage,

and craft no harm,

Moriah